finally back.

just returned from LA... and, well, i don't really feel like talking about the trip. i wanted to, i thought of all the things to tell you guys about the trip but somehow, i lost the mood. perhaps you guys can ask me personally next time.

i don't know why i feel this. feels like a knife jabbed into your heart but left there, and you can't pull it out. picture that? could it be the fatigue, the french vanilla from denny's or my tummy ache? whatever it is, it hurts. and it's... depressing. see, i don't know what i want to do in my life. i can't see what tomorrow'll be like. i can't see what i'll be doing next year. i can't decide on my major, i don't know which university i want to continue onto. don't even know what career i wanna take, can't even picture myself five years from now. for you guys in JC there's still time. but not for me. i have to decide what i want in my life NOW. at least, that's how it feels like. i can' be wasting my parents' money and take classes anyhow and any way i want. they have to follow what my major's requirements are. and my major'll determine what kind of job i'll get. you know, frankly speaking i don't even know where i want to live in the future. i don't feel like going back to indonesia, and there's no way i can live in singapore cos i ain't a citizen, don't think my folks'll allow me to stay here either. and this kind of feeling makes you feel helpless, and hopeless. i guess i have to start praying? but it ain't easy. and i don't know why.